ho,ho,ho,,merry christmas! woohoo it's christmas so deck the halls with bells of holly. FALALALALALALALALA<3
haha i'm the only one awake, and it's been that way since 7am, lol.
i'm on my bill upstairs in the study, with my grandad next door in his room, my great-nan in the spare room, my brother in the conservatory downstairs and my dad and his girlfriend in the caravan outside. brrrrr much!
so yeah, i'm bored. think i might go and watch dear john. byebye :)

hey! long time no posting, i'm sorry. i was in the car all today coming from wales to kent,, there's like zero snow here compared to swansea! ;o but yeah, everything is good :) i'm on my new laptop from my grandad which was my xmas present. me and my brither (who also got one) were sat next to each other with our headphones in talking on msn via webcam too. i'm surprised we didn't strangle each other, lol :')
gaaaaaaaaaah! my dad gave me a entire circular reusable tub thingy of celebrations! (N) and my brother gave me all his strawberry creams cz he had a tin of roses. i mean i gave him my milky ways, and my dad the snickers but still that is ALOT of chocolate. combined with my step-mum's tin of hero's which she gave me some of. kill me now please? :) and i'll give you my chocolates? pffffffffffft. and i have a three course family meal tomorrow night. great. imma gain so much weight this xmas if i ate normally. ewwwwwww. alcohol makes you gain too! :( my dad got me WKD. shiteeeeeee.

karma's a bitch. deal with it bitch,, i have.
god i hate immature people who don't think before they speak. so insensitive! if every person who has in the past treated someone like shit in a really insensitive way was wiped from the earth, i think there'd only be about ten people left. people who deserve to be treated like royalty no matter what. god, i fucking hate those pricks who think they can get away with practically murder. it's horrible watching someone you love and care for wanting to die because of hateful words said to them at one point in their life, probably recently though. if I could I'd lock the bastard who said that shit in a grungy prison and throw away the key. that bastard doesn't deserve to live a great life at the expensue of other citezens of the world and their feelings. they are people,, just like you for christ sake!

shit. purged. I mean it's no big deal I guess as it was just what I had all day which was a veggie korma at dinner. ew it was anging! I ate the sweetcorn, green beans and peppers but that's it. bleurgh this day couldn't get any worse. night -.-

ugh I'm having a seriously bad 'fat' day today D:
~ I've changed my clothes six times.
~ I spent an hour crying while looking in the mirror.
~ I drew picture upon picture of my fatness.
~ I cut.
~ I weighed myself.
~ I've not eaten anything yet today.
~ I want to die.

haha I slept all afternoon, until tea time ;o
I had sausage and beans. but I didn't eat any beans, just my one veggie sausage, nomnom <3 yeah and that is it. along with about five glasses of marshmallow squash, which I found out was strawberry and vanilla flavour. damn I'm clever xD pffft I didn't even have any coffees today because of it, like woaaah! something must be up cz I never go a day without one and it's dead weird cz I made loads of hot drinks using the damn kettle for everyone else. at least no one can say I'm mean, lol :') I want coffee now! bye.

ahhhh just realised that yesterday's calories count was actually 425, as I messed up the coffee :L
oooooooh, guess what? WE HAVE SNOW, and lots of it! I woke up at seven this morning ready to go to school and give megan her birthday present but schools closed! man why couldn't that have been last week when we had lessons? geeez. so yeah.
went out in the snow with my brothers having a fight at eight in the morning when it's still partially dark rules! :') burned loads of calories running and then I did indoor aerobics and yoga babes xD all in all it's been great so far, and I've only had 87 calories in a slice of toast :'D gaaaah I love toast, I used to hate it mind but now I love it! woooo. good day. I'll post pictures later but now I wanna sleep,, au revoir.

wooooo my stepdad got me some marshmallow flavoured squash! nomnomnom it's only three calories per twohundredandfifty ml,,, lml <3
gahgahgah I've eaten loads today;
cup of shreddies with skimmed milk ~ 99 calories.
two digestive biscuits ~ 96 calories.
low fat macaroni cheese ready meal, kind of idk ~ 198 calories.
three chewing gums ~ 3 calories.
four coffees ~ 60 calories.
two glasses of marshmallow squash ~ 6 calories.
all in all it's a total of 462 calories ): ewwwww! hopefully the aerobics I've done has burned it off plus the natural metabolism shit. gah I don't know anything these days. well I'm contradicting myself here now but I do know tomorrow is the last day of school, well actually a half day tbh. yay xD

haha I just spent the last half an hour stood in a boiling and steaming hit shower, almost trying to make myself 'pure', lol I probably just ended up peeling a layer of skin off. god I'm so stupid! using the fucking boiling hot water isn't gonna burn calories,, I like to think the lunges did mind. euurgghhhhh. I'm so fat. I mean this is around my lowest weight in a while (apart from 90lbs) yet I look fatter than I did when I was 112! I can notice some difference between my legs and my chest area but my stomach is just ridiculously horrible. feels like everytime I look at it, that I'm the major supplier for Greggs! fml -.-

1 advent calendar piece ~ 13 cals.
1 slice of jam on toast ~ 122 cals.
1 veggie sausage ~ 98 cals.
2 tablespoons of noodles ~ 58 cals.
4 cups of tea ~  60 cals.
~ ~ 351 cals.

yay, all going well. not going into school as there are no lessons on xD

,,, but I binged majorly D: 1006 calories to be exact :'( I'm scared to weigh myself. I'm scared to go to Kent with my dad for Christmas cz I'll look huge. I'm scared to call it a binge cz I've gone so long without one... but technically I should be eating 250@ calories as I am 'growing'. so it's a daily total of 1357 calories. ah gawwwd. but minus the I actually can't remember the precise amount at this present time but roughly 1300 calories naturally and then the 800 ish I've burned aswell. omg. I need to burn more calories. bye.

d'you want the good, the bad, or the ugly? (;

the good news is ~ my mother let me stay off school cz all my friends are on an art trip and since I don't do art I'd be on my own.

the bad news is ~ I have to go into school for my councilling session in ten minutes! yippeee, LOL JK. and I have to do my geography assessment today :))))),,

the ugly news is ~ I look a right mess. I also have a water infection or cystisis or something idk :L

love my life babes! PAHAHA LOL JK. fml -.-

sorry I've not blogged in a while I've been erm, busy. so yeah. busy eating. uuuuuugh I feel so fat. fggdkdiebdllsmspeyurrnepxm. my mum made me a like food plan for the week and it was:
breakfast - slice of butter on toast and coffee.
snack - cereal bar.
lunch - two slices of jam on toast and coffee.
snack - grapes and coffee.
dinner - four tablespoons of whatevers being made.
snack - two digestive biscuits and coffee.

FML, FML, FML, FML, FML, FML, FML, FML, FML, FML, FML.
I've not even lost weight this week as well! fucksake. i mean I don't have the snacks, only one slice if toast at lunch and only like two tablespoons of dinner. and I had more coffees than I was allowed; rebel, lol. I really had to fight the urge not to purge, so I just did crunches. eww. anyway this week is the last week of school so I'm not going in on Tuesday cz i'd be on my own and not in on either Monday/Wednesday cz i have to baby-sit. I'm nit eating either. I'll just stay up really late so when I get home from school I can like sleep and not have to eat. ugh. I've wasted so many tears crying this week because of my mum. I really need to lose seven pounds in two weeks. I will lose seven pounds in two weeks. or else. actually let say eight so I'll lose four pounds a week. that's a nice even number. I'll be about seven stone at Christmas then. my goal. I'm gonna do it, or die trying.

fuck you insomnia!

wooohoo, today's gone dead fast! I had welsh, (where I had test), double chemistry, english, and maths. usually it goes dead slow but I went home for lunch and hopefully will for the rest of the week to have a coffee and 'a slice of toast' lol. ahhh good mood, I'm drawing at the moment, and am gonna do a scrap book when I can be bothered. which will probably be never lol :)
right so today I've had 87 calories when I went home for lunch because I didn't realize my mother was there so had a slice of toast with a thin spread of jam, great lunch eh? I really wanted to purge it aswell like :/ so in 143 hours I've had 728 fucking calories. ughhh.

screw you bitch.

okay in 120 hours I've had 404 calories (not today) + 237 calories (today) = 641 fucking calories in 120 fucking hours. grrrr, i need to purge -.- fml, I'm just gonna go and read my book instead. gah how pathetic am I?

yeah don't even answer that, I know the answer /:

oh crap,,

crap. crap. crappity. crap
my mum thinks I've started my old and seriously bad eating 'problems' and has got me into see the school councillor and in turn go to these support groups, ugh wtf? I don't even want her help. she insulted me by saying 'yeah you gained about half a stone when we moved but now you've lost that weight and even more' fml, I gained like 3lbs. cheers for saying I'm fat mum, job well done!

gahh, feel so ill! can't even breathe which means I can't sleep. fml. and I've thrown up. lml babeey, LOL jk! arghh and this weekend has been shit, we didn't even put up the christmas decorations. sucks -.- haha but I did watch the film love actually with my mum and stepdad thus evening after the xfactor. it was good while it lasted and now I've been in my room for the last hour practically dying. ughhh! I really want to sleep but I'm scared I'll like choke, but never mind eh? like anyone will care, so I wish I will die in my sleep. at least all this shitty stuff stressing me out would be finished if I was dead.
~ adieu ~

humph..

hummphhhh. today has dragged on so badly! i mean, i spent the whole afternoon on the laptop watching shit and watching harry potter. hmm. and i feel so ill. i've had like ten cups of coffee today, well less but i'm saying ten for some weird reason. and i ate :'( like 380 calories. fuck. so in 96 hours i've had 404 calories. fuck my fucking life. someone get me a gun? kthanxbii.

fucksake

fucksake, i fucking hate shit stirrers. ughhh! they must have suck boring lives to be doing this, or it must be their hobby. stupid little shits.
and i weighed myself. not pleased at all. what a failure. my scales are broke aswell. fml. apparantly i'm 7st7 which is 105lbs. that's a lb lost in a week. fuck. but i had like a gallon of water this morning to get rid of my hunger pains, and had on like a massive 'i love london' hoodie that comes down to my knees. woo. i'm gonna weigh myself before i go to bed, and probably about ten more times throughout the day, lol. but for now i'm content with just watching HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN, and updating my pt. corrr, i've not been on there in ages. must do something about that. get back into the zone like ;)

still only 224 calories. now it's 87 hours. i wanna make it 100 hours at least, which would be ten o'clock tonight.
i'm gonna need a good few distractions;
~ go for a long walk,
~ have a relaxing bath,
~ go on the wii,
~ go on my laptop,
~ watch the desperate housewives episodes i've missed,
~~ and worst of all;; weigh in for the week.
gahh, i like to do it as soon as i've woken up but the scales are in my mums room, and she's usually asleep at this time on a sunday. fml, i'm starting to panic now! D:

fuck, i say fuck alot don't i?

fucksake. 224 fucking calories of stupid fucking food in 75 fucking hours. not fucking good enough. fuck my actual life. my life fucking sucks. i fucking wish i was dead. my stupid fucking family fucking hate me, and i fucking want to overdose on fucking pills. fucksake. fuck off you fucking idiots that i fucking call my family. fuck you.
'scuse my french.

much love to shanny for this piece of art (L)!

i asked for love
i asked for mercy
i asked for patience
but you’re already all of these things
i asked for love
i asked for mercy
i asked you for the sunshine
and then i begged you for the rain
if i knew what i needed
if i knew what was good for me i’d be down on my knees
begging please
let your light shine bright inside of me.


love it!

wooooo lml! putting up the christmas tree later and the decorations. wooo, get in! xD

fml, ten o'clock is too early to be awake.

love this shit :')

"Some things are true no matter how hard you might try to block them out, and a lie is always a lie, no matter how prettily told. Some doors once they’re opened, can never be closed again, just as some trust, once it’s been lost, can never return."

"We're all fallen, but at the same time we're not broken. There is the hint that we are going to get up again."

"Nobody's perfect. I'm perfectly flawed."

"I know how it feels to be completely alone and helpless, and the last thing you want to hear in that situation is, 'It's going to be OK.' "The only thing that seems to really help is that someone else who has felt that low expressing those feelings to you."

"We see the world as an unending task of pain and hardship. Why is that? Why can people not simply just let go, and feel the laughter all around? In the darkest of places, there shall always be a single ray of hope, the matter is that it can be difficult to find. In the darkest of places, we shall find our salvation within ourselves, our reflections, our daily patterns. Comfort and warmth is something we need. Brittle bones are not something to abide to our humanity. Empty caverns are not something to aspire to. ...Why can we not see this? Beauty can be found in the most unlikely places, from the desolate Nevada deserts, to the aftermath of war."

i love you (L)

i love you. i'm inspired by you. seriously, i know it's been hard but i'm dead glad you're recovering now. i mean i know you've tried recovery before, and failed/given up cz you thought you were too fat but i promise you i'm behind you all the way. you deserve this. i know it may sound hyppocritical coming from me as i'm not recovering, and think you should but i don't care.

i love you, and am glad you're acting healthy around food. i'm glad you're not purging, or at least trying not to. i'm glad you're getting support in your recovery. i'm glad you think you're worth it. and finally, i'm glad that you're determined. i wish i had the motivation, help and support you do, but i don't. i'm inspired by you.

i just hope that one day, hopefully soon you'll be able to look in the mirror and confidently, without lying behind a fake smile say that you're happy with the way you look. and that you're not fat. because babes, you're not fat now. those numbers on the scale don't rule your world, they shouldn't.

i'm glad that you seem happier, and more relaxed around certain things, having gained some confidence, no matter how small it is. i'm glad that you don't carry a toothbrush when you go out, that you've stopped cutting and purging. i really am.

i wish you the best of luck, have fun with your friends. to hell with this shit, be yourself, have fun, live your life like you want to. not by this shit. i love you shannice. forever. <3 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

.

if i went to hogwarts i'd be in slytherin. i hear they welcome liars with open arms.

100.

yay, 100th post xD
yay, no more school for two days.
yay, tomorrows Saturday.
yay, not eaten in 45 hours.
yay, i have 10 more days at school (not including weekends) until it's the holidays.
yay, i have no homework.
yay, it snowed.
yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay!

dw i'n byw treforys.

fuck this shit. seriously what the fuck man?! jesus christ.
argghhh. i gotta go to school in a minute, and hannah ain't in so i'll be all on my own. sucks -.- ahaha i've been sleeping since seven last night cz i was so tired, fucking missed misfits i did. urgh! and i've got such bad stomach pains that are absolutely not related to my period seeing as though i don't have it anymore.
urgh, so today i have, english, chemistry, french, history, and physics. treforys is such a boring place to live! god help me so I don't die of boredom!

tears

i actually can't stop crying. it's so hard to stop when there's so many things I'm crying over;
~ i'm fat.
~ i miss my dad.
~ i feel sick.
~ i'm fat.
~ i miss england.
~ i'm being ignored.
~ i'm fat:
~ my friends in england have replaced me
~ i want to purge, but am trying not to.
~ i'm fat.
~ i have no money.
~ i'm friendless.
~ i'm fat.
~ i'm ugly.
~ i need to loose more weight.
~ i'm fat.
~ i have to eat pasta with veggie sausages for tea. fml.
~ i fail at everything.
~~ AND FINALLY ~~
~ i'm fat.

december?

pinch punch it's the first of the month, no return. haha yay december. shit, that means advent calenders. fucksake, i've two aswell. ohwell, i'll just conveniently forget to eat them or give them to my brother; i hate wasting food.

oeighdjso\ejhitn;f. bad mood. i want snow, so i can stay at home in my warm, comfy bed! but no, snow has not yet had a chance to grace the areas of morriston comprehensive school. fucking sucks -.- i mean seriously, my old school has been closed all this week and i've been at school doing my english exam - (yeyeye i actually think it went well bitchez!). so yeah. life sucks. and i have a maths test tomorrow. fml. i mean, i actually excell at maths, but i find it too boring cz it's too fucking easy. one less bad test mark to worry about eh? i'll just read harry potter fanfictions instead, cz no offence to maths but i've got better things to do with my time then sit and revise for a test that i know the answers for. fuck that shit.

yawn, i'm so tired. i should really go to bed i'm that tired! ;o but i reeeeeally wanna watch the apprentice later; cz it's amazing. you should watch it :') hmm i've changed my mind, i might nap instead of reading fanfictions, then watch the apprentice, then catch up on the last 4 vampire diaries episodes i've missed, then exercise if i have any energy left, and finally sleep. though tbh, i'll probably fall asleep watching vampire diaries. gah, i can never make my fucking mind up these days. it's too fucked up to function properly, lol.

hmm, this is a rather long post isn't it? ;) i know there's one more thing that i wanted to post about, but i really can't remember! it's actually really pissing me off now mind D; bleugh,bleugh,bleugh,bleugh,bleugh,bleugh,bleugh,bleugh,bleugh,bleugh,bleugh,bleugh. oh yeah;; christmas. okay so like i'm spending christmas with my dad in kent (which is in england) from the 24th-29th and i'm getting loads and i mean loads of presents from him. and my grandad is buying both my brother and me a new laptop, i'm getting money and itunes/clothes vouchers from my aunts and uncles, and i'm getting perfume from my dad when he goes on a romantic trip to rome with his girlfriend just before he picks us up. good haul this yeah actually, but like my mothers getting all worked up about it cz she absolutely cannot afford owt for us this year, i just asked for a nice candle set with smellies so hopefully i'll get that, but my shitty little welsh bratty selfish step-brother wants about £100 of shit. haha LOL at him, cz he's not getting any of it. probably only about £10-20 each from my mother. ohwell, christmas isn't always about the presents. it's about giving, and the spirit of just lounging in front of the telly all day watching shrek, and the soaps, and best of all;; the doctor who special :'D.
gah, there's gonna be a helluva lot of food mind, i gotta go to a three course meal christmas eve with the whole 'taylor' clan. should be fun. naaaaaat. i'm supposedly eating;
.. starter ~ french onion soup.
.. main course ~ roast turkey meal with all the trimmings.
.. dessert ~ creme brulee.
okay, so the soup's alritee, the main i'm eating the veg but not the meat, and dessert i'll try and get out of by hiding it. idk D: shit. must plan that. gah, and the sweets, biscuits, crackers, tins of chocolates, crisps etc on christmas day everyone will be stufing their faces with. fuck! i really need control by christmas. or else, i'll just be a bigger and fatter fail than i am now, which obviously isn't hard to achieve but, urgh i hate regrets. fucksake, why did this have ti be so hard? ):